Weight loss journey

January 8th in the middle of the night, I found myself eating almost an entire bag of chips while sitting on the couch watching tv. I looked beside me at my pop and around my trashed house and knew something needed to be done. NOW. I went into the bathroom and stepped on the scale and couldn't believe my eyes at what it read. Quickly I went to the kitchen and threw away all the junk food we had and threw away all of my pop. I made signs and hung them around my kitchen which had my weight written on them. I hung them on the fridge, and the cabinets. I also hung one on the mirror in the bathroom.
Grabbed my laptop and researched Atkins for hrs and that next morning, my weight loss journey began.
After I was confident that I could do it, I made a goal list. 1st goal being 20 lbs. Until I hit that mark, I wasn't allowing myself on facebook. I turned off my email notifications, I deleted my facebook app. I was going to follow through!!

I went strict. 3 liters of water every day and no more than 20 carbs a day. I weighed myself regularly and LOVED seeing the pounds just melt away.

Every night I did a walking video that about killed me.
It was amazing how quickly I saw results.
It was amazing how much better I started feeling!!

After the 1st couple months not only could see the results on the scale but I could also see them in how my clothes fit.

Once I hit the 40 lb mark I allowed myself to join a gym. Up till that point I refused to put any money into this. I know there are so many products out there that can help with weight loss but I wanted to be able to say I did this on my own.
Once I started the gym I went 6 days a week. It became an addiction.
All I could think about was my workout program and couldn't wait to go back the next day.
The gym because my #1 priority

I decided the gym just wasn't enough, so I added in a squat program.
I absolutely KILLED my legs but didn't care because I wanted to see results and I wanted to see them now.

I hit my 50 lb mark in 5 months and I felt wonderful.

It was time to leave on our family vacation and all I could think about was how many days I was going to miss at the gym and when was I going to be able to do my squats and what was I going to eat. Atkins is hard to follow when you don't have the food at your finger tips all day.

We got to Green bay, went out to eat, and we got a pizza.
Our whole family shared a pizza.
It was so good. The kids devoured it.

I got back to the hotel and did my squats while everyone was asleep and my legs were so sore the next day walking around Lambeau. 

So the next day I took off from squats.
The next day I took off from atkins again too.

And the world didn't end.
2 days away from the gym and I survived.
Infact, I didn't stress it at all.

We had the PERFECT vacation and I was happy. I felt great walking all the time and not getting winded. I ran a little bit with our kids in the marathon.
I felt healthy!
Only half way to my "goal weight" and I felt amazing.

I got back from vacation and my weight loss addiction seemed to disappear.
Instead of going to the gym everyday and coming home sore and eating different food than my entire family, I just relaxed.

Unfortunately, my motivation is currently stalled.
I keep thinking back to how great it felt to be exercising and seeing the numbers go down but I just don't have that drive anymore. I KNOW it will come back (its starting to creep up already)

I have come to realize, my "goal weight" is just a number. And the sad thing is, its a number that I'm just assuming will instantly make me happy. But lets be honest, even once I hit it, I will still have self esteem issues.

So, I've changed my "goal weight".

Instead of it being a number, its going to be a feeling.

I want to feel healthy.
I want to feel alive.
I want to feel beautiful in my body

Right now, I'm there.
Yes, I have gained weight since I stopped my vigorous workout.
I have carb face again.
I am still severely overweight.

But, the new clothes I bought, they still fit.
I am no where NEAR my unhealthy eating habits I had back in January.
I don't get winded just walking up the stairs.

Do I still need to lose weight?
ABSOLUTELY!

But, do I need to make such drastic changes and compromises to do it?
No, I don't.

Right now, I really do need motivation to at least start back up again. That is always the hardest part.
I think that will come easy though once I can figure out how to lose weight without it becoming top priority of my life.

I can still use everyones support.
And I don't want ANYONE to think I have given up because I havn't

I will reach a healthy weight.
But I will do it while maintaining a clean house
spending as much time as I possibly can with my kids
enjoying life with my husband

My weight loss will NEVER be my #1 priority.
I will continue my lifestyle change of eating healthier and exercising more.
Will I hit my 100 lb goal by Christmas?
Probably not.
Chances are once the batteries die in the scale we have, I won't replace them.
The number on that scale does not matter.
As long as I can live my life and feel healthy and run around the yard with my kids, that's all that matters.

You also have my word though, those 50 lbs that I lost and kept off? That weight will NEVER come back. That part of me is dead and gone. :)